WHEN LOVING MEANS LEAVING: A POEM FOR NICU MOMS

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The water told me you were coming. 

A mid-night warning to prepare. 
But, it didn’t prepare me. 
It couldn’t. 

For the fast pains. 
For the small bodies. 
For the lungs that needed help to breathe. 
For the fluorescent lights and sterile room closing in, as I was left with the longing to hold you. 

For the daily check-ins.
For the cords and cables.
For the begging of progress. 
For the ounces and milliliters. 

For the balancing act. 
For the empty nursery. 
For the tears. 
For the leaving. 

Where to put the love that was carried and felt for months? 

I guess that’s when loving means leaving. 

Through the sorrow, I leave you to learn.
Through the sadness, I leave you to grow. 

I’ll be learning and growing, too. 

 

HOLDING BOTH

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“Here is your baby,” said the ultrasound tech. 

In the slivers of seconds after she said “baby,” my mind was racing.

Wow, there’s our baby. 
Wait, did she linger after she said “baby?”
Is she about to say something else?
She definitely drew out the word “baby,” as if her sentence was incomplete. 

And, then it came. 

“Here is your baby… and here is baby number two,” she said. 

A wave of emotions washed over me–holding both shock and joy, nerves and excitement, worry and gratitude. 

The rest of the appointment (and the ones to follow) felt like a blur of words: monochorionic diamniotic twins, identical, progesterone shots, twin-to-twin transfusion syndrome, same gender, membrane, fluid pockets, sharing a placenta, high risk, multiples, maternal fetal medicine, deliver early, NICU. 

NICU. 

Now, there was a familiar word. A triggering word. 

“Not again,” I thought. “Surely not again.” 

As the pregnancy progressed, we knew that my due date (April 7) would no longer be the goal for my pregnancy. Based on how things were going, the plan was to induce between 36 and 37 weeks gestation. 

On February 11, we scheduled our induction for 36 weeks (March 10) gestation and went to sleep that night, only to wake up at 4:00 a.m the next morning to my water breaking. 

Thirty-nine hours later, our beautiful sons, Micah and Andrew, were born. Three pounds each of pure sweetness.

Micah Lee

Andrew Stephen

After birth, I was holding both relief and worry. Relief from the labor pains and the discomfort I was feeling at 32 weeks pregnant with twins, and worry for how they would do being born so early. 

Today, the twins are one week old. 

It’s been one week of visiting our boys at the hospital. One week of pumping and storing breast milk. One week of calling to get updates throughout the night. One week of staring at their progress (or lack-thereof) on a white board. One week of cords and cables surrounding their little bodies. One week of asking when (and if) we can hold them. 

Here’s the thing… we knew throughout the pregnancy that an early delivery was very possible. And, that spending time in the NICU was highly likely. 

And, our daughter was born at 34 weeks gestation and spent 31 days in the NICU before going home. So, we are seasoned NICU parents. We are not strangers to the reality of the rollercoaster that is a NICU stay. 

And, even then, no amount of NICU experience can prepare you for having to go through it twice. 

So, again, we are holding both. 

Thankfulness for a healthy delivery. Indescribable joy as we celebrate being the parents of three beautiful children. 

Along with an all-too-familiar sadness as we leave our boys at the hospital every night. Heartache as the days feel like years while we anxiously await for updates and milestones to be met.  

One week in, and (as NICU parents know) who-knows-how-long to go.

“Holding both” is hard, no matter what you’re going through. It is emotionally taxing to balance such opposing feelings all in the same moment.

For now, I will continue spending most of my days dreaming of the one type of “holding both” I cannot do right now: holding both of my boys.

What a sweet day that will be.


Related Links:

http://ashleydaubin.com/blog/31-days
http://ashleydaubin.com/blog/how-to-help-a-nicu-family

 

2021 BOOK REVIEW

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After last year’s book-reading growth spurt, I didn’t know if I would match the momentum this year. The past twelve months have held a lot of grief and loss for our family and I wasn’t sure I would or could keep up the pace.

But, I think reading became such a companion for me last year, and was a continued friend and support that I could turn to to rest, learn, grieve, escape and grow.

My journey with books this year was interesting.

  • I read more books on grief than I wanted–which was helpful and painful at the same time.

  • I lost a lot of my personal library in our house flood–and then watched books and bookstore gift cards show up at my doorstep, in my mailbox, and on my desk at work over the following weeks as friends and family slowly replaced my library. I am always so humbled and grateful when I look at my shelves, each book is a reminder of God’s blessings in the midst of sorrow.

  • I dove into both The Chronicles of Narnia and Harry Potter series this year–they were so, so special and made up 2/3 of my top six reads for this year.

  • I joined a book club, which I was happily able to cross off my bucket list.

Here is my 2021 book list, with stars next to my six favorites:

  1. Grieving with Hope – Samuel J. Hodges IV, Kathy Leonaard

  2. A Grief Observed – C.S. Lewis⭐️

  3. In Five Years – Rebecca Serle

  4. The Midnight Library – Matt Haig

  5. Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy – Mark Vroegop⭐️

  6. Fear Not!: Death and the Afterlife from a Christian Perspective – Ligon Duncan

  7. Just Mercy – Bryan Stevenson

  8. The Magician’s Nephew – C.S. Lewis

  9. The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe – C.S. Lewis⭐️

  10. Talking as Fast as I Can – Lauren Graham

  11. The Horse and His Boy – C.S. Lewis

  12. Prince Caspian – C.S. Lewis

  13. The Voyage of the Dawn Treader – C.S. Lewis

  14. The Silver Chair – C.S. Lewis

  15. The Last Battle – C.S. Lewis⭐️

  16. Suffering – Paul David Tripp

  17. The Yellow Bird Sings – Jennifer Rosner

  18. Good Grief – Granger E. Westberg

  19. Suffering is Never for Nothing – Elisabeth Elliot

  20. Home Work – Julie Andrews

  21. The Giver of Stars – Jojo Moyes

  22. True Love – Jennifer Lopez

  23. A Good Neighborhood – Therese Anne Fowler

  24. Born Standing Up – Steve Martin

  25. The Last Letter from Your Lover – Jojo Moyes

  26. The Rooftoppers – Katherine Rundell

  27. GriefShare: Your Journey from Mourning to Joy – David & Nancy Guthrie

  28. Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone – J.K. Rowling⭐️

  29. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets – J.K. Rowling

  30. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban – J.K. Rowling⭐️

  31. Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire – J.K. Rowling

  32. Wildflower – Drew Barrymore

  33. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix – J.K. Rowling

  34. Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince – J.K. Rowling

  35. Mama Bear Apologetics – Hillary Morgan Ferrer

  36. Gentle and Lowly: The Heart of Christ for Sinners and Sufferers – Dane C. Ortlund

  37. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows – J.K. Rowling

  38. Double Time: How I Survived–and Mostly Thrived–Through the First Three Years of Mothering Twins – Jane Roper

  39. A Sweet & Bitter Providence – John Piper

  40. Firekeeper’s Daughter – Angeline Boulley

  41. Christmas with L.M. Montgomery – L.M. Montgomery

  42. A Redbird Christmas – Fannie Flagg

  43. The Little Prince – Antoine de Saint Exupéry

  44. The Christmas Pig – J.K. Rowling

  45. The Greatest Gift: Unwrapping the Full Love Story of Christmas – Ann Voskamp

  46. Shadow and Light: A Journey into Advent – Tsh Oxenreider

  47. New Morning Mercies – Paul David Tripp

You can find my ratings and reviews on Goodreads!

Something helpful I did this year to aid in my goal of reading more was removing all social media apps on the home screen of my iPhone and replacing them with bookish apps–Goodreads, Audible, Libby, Kindle, etc.

I really enjoy having those apps front and center and find myself passing time by seeing what friends are reading, researching books or reading more myself!

What did you read this year?
What’s on your list for next year?

Let’s be friends on Goodreads!