WHEN LOVING MEANS LEAVING: A POEM FOR NICU MOMS

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The water told me you were coming. 

A mid-night warning to prepare. 
But, it didn’t prepare me. 
It couldn’t. 

For the fast pains. 
For the small bodies. 
For the lungs that needed help to breathe. 
For the fluorescent lights and sterile room closing in, as I was left with the longing to hold you. 

For the daily check-ins.
For the cords and cables.
For the begging of progress. 
For the ounces and milliliters. 

For the balancing act. 
For the empty nursery. 
For the tears. 
For the leaving. 

Where to put the love that was carried and felt for months? 

I guess that’s when loving means leaving. 

Through the sorrow, I leave you to learn.
Through the sadness, I leave you to grow. 

I’ll be learning and growing, too. 

 

NOT ALL BAD NEWS

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Difficult seasons and seemingly impossible circumstances have existed since time began. They weren’t ever unique to 2020, and yet last year seemed to pack an unusual punch. 

“2020” became an adjective, used to describe any unfortunate situation or circumstance—large or small.

While the world was falling apart, while it seemed to be bad news after bad news, my world for the most part stayed in tact. 

And, we almost made it unscathed. 

Then came December 27, 2020. 

I will never forget the events that took place the day we found out my little brother Bradley passed away. 

A 19-year-old boy, as handsome as could be. 
My brother. 
Gone. 

He was full of joy and life. He loved dirt bikes and his red sports car. His presence would brighten anyone’s day. He had the greatest laugh and the warmest smile. 

That day, I joined a club I never wanted to be a part of. And, I started a journey of grief that I will be on for the rest of my life in some capacity. 

Really, 2020?

A year of bad news, and now the impossible had happened.

I couldn’t scroll through social media. 
I couldn’t read headlines. 
I couldn’t answer the phone. 

Please, please. No more bad news. I can’t physically take it. 

It’s Not All Bad News

Nearly five months in, I am taking my beginning steps on this grief journey. And, in the middle of the deep sorrow and sadness, I have been reminded of a truth I’ve known all along. 

God gives us Good News. 

This truth has become the answer to all the questions I was asking (and continue to ask). 

We were never promised a perfect life–one without suffering or hardship, without grief or loss. We were never promised a long life–a well-lived 100 years on earth. We were never promised a healthy life–one without injury or illness, without disability or disease. 

When our world is shattered with suffering, we are shocked. Nothing makes sense. Our grip on reality has been shaken. Yet, when we read God’s Word, we are reminded that we live in a fallen world. A world riddled with sin. A world where we should actually expect trials and suffering because of the nature and depravity of man.

“In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” John 16:33b

Jesus tells us that we will have tribulations. 

Tribulation: noun – a cause of great trouble or suffering.

We can all fill in the blanks as to what these have been in our lives. 

But, it’s not all bad news.

God Gives us Good News

He doesn’t leave us there in the hopelessness. He tells us to take heart because he has overcome the world. He already conquered sin and death on the cross by sending His Son Jesus to pay the price for sin that we never could.

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” John 3:16

He gave us Himself. That is the Good News. 

He is the Answer to all of our pain, hurts, suffering and sin.

In the midst of the bad…

The unbelievable headlines. 
The unwanted diagnosis. 
The unimaginable hurts.
The unexpected loss. 

…there is a good that outweighs it all. 

It’s life. It’s freedom. It’s hope. It’s Jesus. 

If you have questions about salvation, or what it looks like to trust in Christ. Please leave me a comment or reach out to me via Instagram. I would love to talk with you.